Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Longings of the Heart




How i long to see your name on my wall, liking, commenting
the way you do it with your friends
but that is next to impossible.

How i long to see your messages on my phone
the way you do with your text mates,
but that is wanting for a miracle.

How i long for you to spend time with me
the way you do with your drinking buddies
but that is like asking for the stars

how i long to put you out of my heart
the way you put me out of yours
but that is same as asking forever to end.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

First Aid: Music



Maybe I truly am an emotional person. When I feel down, (oh com'on there are really those times that we feel really emotional) there is no other best remedy than listening to good ole' Music. So, I just view my list of heartbreak songs. Funny but it lightens the mood. It allows me to refresh from the ache. Oh well that is what first aid treatment should do. I am trying to fill in 100 achy breaky songs starting with:

  1. Without You  by Karylle  click    
  2. It's Over Now by Kayla  click
  3. When The Last Tear Drops Fall by Blaque click
  4. Tonight I wanna cry by Keith Urban click
  5. You can't break a broken heart by Kate Voegle click
  6. Take My Heart Back by Jennifer Love Hewitt click
  7. Have You Ever by Brandy click
  8. From the Bottom of my broken heart by Britney Spears click
  9. Someone's Always Saying Goodbye by Toni Gonzaga click
  10. I Don't Want You to Go by Kyla click
  11. Only a Woman's Heart by Isabelle Boulay click
  12. I Miss You by Beverly Craven click
  13. I've Cried Enough by Lara Fabian click
  14. I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You by Richard Marx click
  15. Eyes on Me by Faye Wong click
  16. My Skin by Natalie Merchant click
  17. I Miss You by Simple Plan click
  18. I Don't Wanna Miss A thing by Aerosmith click
  19. Everything I do (I do it for you) by Bryan Adams click
  20. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion click
  21. Everytime we Touch by Cascada click
  22. Art of Letting Go by Mikaela click
  23. How do You heal a broken heart by Chris Walker click
  24. Even Now by Nina click
  25. Di Lang Ikaw by Juris Fernandez click
  26. One Last Cry by Brian Mcknight click
  27. Don't Say Goodbye by Rachelle Ann Go click
  28. Please Don't Ask Me by John Farnham click
  29. Calling Your Name Again by Richard Carpenter click
  30. The Past by Ray Parker Jr. click
  31. Half Crazy by Freestyle click
  32. He's Out of my Life by Nina click
  33. Can't Find the Words to Say Goodbye by David Gates click
  34. Hard Habit to Break by Chicago click
  35. Hiding Inside Myself by Kenny Rankin click
  36. Too Much Love Will Kill You by Queen click
  37. Just Once by James Ingram click
  38. If ever you're in my arms again by Peabo Bryson click
  39. Love Will Lead You Back by Mariah Carey click
  40. I Miss you Like Crazy by Natalie Cole click
  41. Why Can't It Be by 3rd Avenue click
  42. Parting Time by Rockstar click
  43. When I'm Gone by Albert Hammond click
  44. It's Over Now by Joey Albert click
  45. I'm Sorry by Jaime Rivera click
  46. Million Miles Away by Nikki Gil click
  47. I'm Missing You by Bea Alonzo click
  48. Don't Say Goodbye by Rachelle Ann Go click
  49. I Love You Goodbye by Celine Dion click
  50. What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts click
  51. What if by Kate Winslet click
  52. I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat click
  53. I'm Movin On by Rascall Flats click
  54. Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flats click
  55. To Love Again by Dingdong Avanzado click
  56. I wouldn't be here if i didn't love you by Belinda Carlisle click
  57. Di Na Ako Aasa Pa by Introvoys click
  58. Kung ako na lang sana by Sharon Cuneta click
  59. Kailangan Kita by Gary Valenciano click
  60. Ipagpatawad Mo by Janno Gibbs click
  61. Bakit Nga Ba Mahal Kita by Roselle Nava click
  62. Paminsan Minsan by Richard Reynoso click
  63. Umaasa Lang Sa 'yo by Six Part Invention click
  64. Till My Heartaches End by Carol Banawa click
  65. Nights Are Forever Without you by England Dan click
  66. Listen to your heart by D.H.T. click
Here is a link to my playlist

Monday, June 13, 2011

First Aid: Quotes



First aid is done to heal or at least remedy instant pain. These are things or ways we use to alleviate the minor pains, or emergency responses before we under go surgery. We commonly see them as medicine kits so we fail to recognize them in our life's daily battles, where emotional scars, wounds and pains could never undergo surgery, hence, the only medicine we are left with is our emotional first aid kit, which we fondly call coping mechanisms.

Funny how much i observe that on the lowest points of my life, Quotes help me cope. This is one content of  my first aid kit. For it expresses what my heart fails to say. And here are some of those:



“And she will fool everyone with her fake smile and pretend laugh.”

“Dear heart, today I met a boy — prepare to shatter.”

“Don’t tell me you love me if you don’t really mean it, 
because I might do something crazy,like believe it.”

“She completely fell for him, but he didn’t even stumble.”

“I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.”

“It’s funny how someone can break your heart, 
but you still love them with all the little pieces."

“Sometimes we have to let go, 
just to be sure that there is something out there worth holding on to.”

“Just like Barbie, always smiling, even if she doesn’t want to.”

“Sometimes, when I say ‘Oh, I’m fine.’ 
— I want you to look into my eyes and say ‘Tell the truth.’”

“I guess what scares me is knowing that at any moment 
you could rip my heart out and step on it…
and I would just pick it up and hand it right back to you.”

“No matter what I do, I always forget to forget you.”

“I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it.”

“When you weren’t mine, I couldn’t get you. 
When I finally got you, I couldn’t keep you. 
When I couldn’t keep you, I got over you. 
When I got over you, you wanted me.”

“If it’s a broken part, replace it. 
If it’s a broken arm then brace it. 
If it’s a broken heart, then face it.”

“Sometimes, two people have to fall apart 
to realize how much they need to fall back together.”

“There isn’t a moment of my day 
that isn’t spent wondering where you are, 
what you’re doing, how you’re feeling. 
Even in the quiet of the night, 
when everything is still
 and I am nearly asleep, 
there’s a part of me that is still wondering.”

“If they don’t chase you when you walk away, keep walking.”

“It’s hard to decide when you’re too tired to hold on. 
Yet, you’re too in love to let go.”

“If a girl understands your bulls**t, sticks through your mistakes, 
and smiles even when you’ve done nothing for her 
— it’s obvious she’s a keeper. 
But it’s also obvious you don’t deserve her.”

“Your first mistake was leaving me. 
Your second mistake was giving me the chance 
to realize I could live without you.”

 “I miss you when something good happens, because your the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because your the one that understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life.”

quotelicious.com

I Wanna Grow Old With You

by Westlife

Another day
Without your smile
Another day just passes by
But now I know
How much it means
For you to stay
Right here with me

The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer

I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing in everything you do
I wanna grow old with you

A thousand miles between us now (sigh)
It causes me to wonder how
Our love tonight remains so strong
It makes our risk right all along
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger
But it hurt so bad I can't take it any longer

I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing in everything you do
I wanna grow old with you

Things can come and go I know but
Baby I believe
Something's burning strong between us
Makes it clear to me

I wanna grow old with you
I wanna die lying in your arms
I wanna grow old with you
I wanna be looking in your eyes
I wanna be there for you
Sharing in everything you do
I wanna grow old with you


Phenomenal Woman

by: Maya Angelou


Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman
That's me. 

Heart, we will forget him!

by: Emily Dickinson


Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her

by Christopher Brennan


If questioning would make us wise
No eyes would ever gaze in eyes;
If all our tale were told in speech
No mouths would wander each to each.

Were spirits free from mortal mesh
And love not bound in hearts of flesh
No aching breasts would yearn to meet
And find their ecstasy complete.

For who is there that lives and knows
The secret powers by which he grows?
Were knowledge all, what were our need
To thrill and faint and sweetly bleed?.

Then seek not, sweet, the "If" and "Why"
I love you now until I die.
For I must love because I live
And life in me is what you give.

Annabel Lee


by: Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;--
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love--
I and my Annabel Lee--
With a love that the wingéd seraphs in Heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her high-born kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre,
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,
Went envying her and me--
Yes!--that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we--
Of many far wiser than we--
And neither the angels in Heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:--

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:--
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling--my darling--my life and my bride,
In her sepulchre there by the sea--
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

How do I love thee?

by: Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8


To everything there is a season, and 
a time to every purpose under heaven: 

A time to be born, and 
a time to die; 
a time to plant, and 
a time to pluck up 
that which is planted; 

A time to kill, and 
a time to heal; 
a time to break down, and 
a time to build up; 

A time to weep, and 
a time to laugh; 
a time to mourn, and 
a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and 
a time to gather stones together; 
a time to embrace, and 
a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and 
a time to lose; 
a time to keep, and 
a time to cast away; 

A time to rend, and 
a time to sew; 
a time to keep silence, and 
a time to speak; 

A time to love, and 
a time to hate; 
a time of war; and 
a time of peace.

Loving Rey




Nine months ago, I wrote an article entitled Second Chance (Knowing Rey) without any thought that there will be a sequel, one that would come deep from my heart.

This is the ninth month that I have come to know him as a friend and a co-worker but this is also the sixth month that I have come to know him as a lover, one I only dreamed but never imagined to happen. “Beyond my wildest dreams” that is what I could describe him to be.

Starting out together had been tough. We both have to endure the scars which our past experiences and relationships have left. There are often times that previous issues would pop out because it has been left unresolved. Insecurity was very much evident; trust on each other has been severely tested; acceptance, jealousy, conformity, character, values and beliefs, those are our hot issues which usually strain us both.

As a first timer in relationships, he has taught me many first times. One I would gladly share is the first kiss. Funny as I remember it now. I was very much innocent when he was trying to kiss me. He had a hard time getting that one kiss because I was laughing so damn hard. I was laughing not because it was funny; I was more laughing because I felt so stupid and so afraid that I don’t know how to kiss him back, thinking that if I kiss him, he will just be disappointed. Believe me! I could hear my heart, it was not beating it was pounding hard! Oh he knows it will be my first kiss, and he was patient and waited for me to accept the fact that a kiss is really bound to happen that night.

So it happened. Hmmm…. I will leave it to your imagination the kind of kiss we shared. All I could say is, beyond my wildest dreams for what a kiss is, for the happiness of knowing that I have actually preserved this moment for that one person my heart would be willing to risk. And I was actually kissing that person I so dreamed of.

That kiss also marked a deepening of my feelings for him. I was gladly hooked to him. But as I have said, it was not a smooth sailing start and I don’t think it will ever be. For a relationship does not need to be smooth sailing for it to succeed. It only needs two committed person deciding to sail amidst the turbulent seas believing that if we are able to make it through then there would be no storm too strong for us not to conquer.

See! That is what he makes of me. A poet. His love, and loving him has transformed me so much as a person. I get to be able to see past myself and focus more on understanding others; to consider the needs of the person I love above my own; to know what is important for him and consider it and value it to be able to show my love by supporting him; I learned to be proud of someone else other than myself.

He has taught me so much about love and that is why there many things I hope that I could impart to him and one is to see himself that way I see him. Precious. I want him to know how special he is as a person not only because I love him but because he is who he is. This is what life had given him to be and it should be something he should be proud of. He should be able to walk proudly and say to himself ‘I passed one of life’s lesson’. If there are things he wishes to change or regrets afraid to happen again, he should continue walking and say ‘I have I regrets i learned from them now, I will do my best for that regret not to happen the second time around’.

There are many more things that I could talk about him. I could go on for days talking just about him and I would not grow tired. Maybe I would make another one like this if Bro still approves of us being together in a relationship. At this point, maybe I should put the disclaimer that, everything you have just read is all my point of view.

I would not say that ours is a perfect relationship for it is far from being one, nor it is my ideal for it is beyond that. For me, it is a happy relationship, where we are learning about ourselves through each other’s strength and weakness. Through each other’s love. Maybe one day, this love will grow deeper and we will become each other’s inspiration for astounding success or maybe we will go separate ways, we will never know. But for now, all I could say is what my heart feels. And it says:

“I am happy loving Rey.”

Second Chance

October 12, 2010

Alone in my room, now I have the time to ponder on the events of my day. Interesting one. A friend of mine was able to read one of my blogs on the topic learnings on love (2/x). He said he liked it and further commented that I reminded him of his late wife. Sad honestly, but it was not that one that took my attention. It was when he requested me to write an article on him.

An article? God! I barely know the man and he is asking me to write something on him. Will I be able to give him justice in my writing? Not only that, I am afraid to write something on him,  for I might be able to discover things and feelings within me that I am not yet ready to entertain. But he is a friend and I owe him a lot, the least I can do is give him a write up (hopefully it is plain and an unbiased opinion of him)

So here it goes…

  
Reynaldo Novida. Ondo or Rey for short. I really don't know which he prefers that I call him for I only say 'sir', being one of my fellow faculty in STI. I could not remember an occasion where we were  formally introduced but I could remember the first time I saw him.

I was teaching AutoCad in one of the laboratories and he was teaching another subject in the other lab. I was shy of approaching him for I don't even know his name but one thing did struck me 'he's cute!' More reason for me to be shy of him. As school days progressed, and the administration gave me some regular class load, I was able to see him more often. We cross paths along the stairs, the corridors, the lobby and all throughout the school but a single 'hi' nor 'hello' was never uttered. I was living my life, he was living his. Until one day, our individual lives collided.

He asked one of our faculty, also an SFC to do a funeral service for his aunt who recently passed away.  I even asked that SFC "who is rey novida?". And they kept describing. What struck me was that he is widowed already. He lost his child and his wife, whom he loved so much,  two years ago.  Those description summed him up. Pain, loneliness, lost, grief. I myself could not imagine how painful it might be to lose someone who means the world to you.

At the funeral, I was silently observing him, not knowing he is openly observing me. He talked and asked things about me, he may not know it but he really made me uneasy. He seems to be knowing and observing too much, yet I obliged answering his questions. It was nice to look at him and his eyes seem to say so many things.  He was a good and fluent conversationalist and he kept me engrossed in conversation the rest of the night. How would I ever know that it would be the start of the friendship that we are now sharing.

As I am trying to recall now, it puzzles me how we became close. I will try refreshing my memory. At the funeral, we exchanged numbers and he texted a thank you, I guess, when we arrived home. The following morning, I asked my fellow SFC Faculty if they received sir rey's message and they said no.  That's odd I thought. They have been working together for months now yet they have not even exchanged numbers. I openly narrated to them the conversation we had at the wake and without pretensions, I told them that he is nice and he is cute. With eyebrows rising, eyes staring, and smiles teasing,  they knew I had a crush on him. It's just a crush anyway, so what's the big deal!?

Intramurals came, games, competitions and the sort. Mingling with students, mingling with faculty. It was also the blossoming of a new friendship I had with Sir Rey. One turning point in our acquaintance with each other was when I shared to him my family problems.

We were chatting on FB that time when dad announced to me that he is filing an annulment. It broke my heart and he was the only person I could let the pent up emotion be released. I told him while desperately holding my tears in check for dads scrutiny. He offered me a shoulder to cry on, to text him if I wanted to talk about it. I have never openly shared it. And the only person who knows about it, is someone I really don’t have the desire to see. So I am left with Sir Rey or alone in my room, and cry my heart out.  I'll choose someone who could talk back I guess.

It was that night that I got introduced to Reynaldo Novida. Interesting man. He loved his wife and he love her still. I don't think there could ever be a woman who could measure up to the love he has for his wife. No wonder he changes relationships instantly. I envied her wife. How wonderful it might have felt to die knowing that you have been loved so much by the person you also love.  Never had that experienced  of being loved back. But I pitied the man I was talking to. He has forgotten how wonderful the world truly is. He is still living in the past with the memory of his wife. No wonder my fellow faculty would discourage me on him because it would be hard to compete with the memory of his late wife.

I could see how great a man he could be but he failed to see that. He runs his life in women and alcohol. Pain, grief and suffering. He is still mourning. I don't know if he realizes that. I am sure his late wife would be happy if she is seeing him happy. I thought to myself, he is lucky in fact because he already have someone up there who is going to watch over him. Someone he could ask to lead him, to help him, to guide him, to start over on life again.

To start over, carrying with him the learnings, the memories, the love, the pain he had in the lifetime of his wife. Here is this man, who have already experience loss, he should be someone then who values life. Live it to its fullest, experience it, for he himself knows how short life could be, yet this man is wasting, as if every second does not matter, as if every breathe is a reminder of how painful it is to be alive.

I sent a silent prayer to his wife, telling her to help him. And promising her that I would help this man appreciate life again. Also hoping that one day I would be able to visit her (at the cemetery) and be personally introduced to her and talk to her about who I know Rey to be.

That he laughs easily and when he does, it is his eyes that says a lot. He has this lopsided grin habit that makes his smile childish looking. He could stare on you with those mesmerizing eyes and he'll have you weak. It is maybe those eyes that wins him over the women. He is broadminded and smart. If he lets himself unwind, you'll see how easy going he is. Not to mention he is sweet.  With all those adjectives, no wonder I had to have myself immunized by his so called charms.

Yet all those character  fades into distance as he keeps holding on to misery. This I want to tell her about what has become of the man she loves. As I was thinking that,  my eyes opened on the reason and purpose of why I met him  in this lifetime. It is to make me realize that I could love again without needing to erase all the love I used to have for someone. To realize how beautiful life can be if we start to truly love again, bringing with us the lessons of the previous relationships.

I don't know what my purpose in his life is but right now, I want to help him, to start appreciating life, love and loss. I don't know either if any of my efforts are succeeding, but I hope that one day before our paths go separate ways, he would be able to realize that He is one great man, for he almost had my heart beating for him.

So for you Rey, may you not let life pass by. Live every second of it. This is your only lifetime. Hers is already over. She was able to live it well, happy and loved. Live the way she lived it. No regrets only love.  Grab what fate is offering you. A second chance to live for love. 

Telling the world

by Taoi Cruz

Every part in my heart I'm giving out 
Every song on my lips I'm singing out 
Any fear in my soul I'm letting go 
And anyone who ask I'll let them know 

She's the one, she's the one 
I say it loud 
She's the one, she's the one 
I say it proud 

Ring a bell, Ring a bell 
For the whole crowd 
Ring a bell, Ring a bell 

I'm telling the world 
That I've found a girl 
The one I can live for 
The one who deserves 

Every part in my heart I'm giving out 
Every song on my lips I'm singing out 
Any fear in my soul I'm letting go 
And anyone who ask I'll let them know 

She's the one, she's the one 
I say it loud 
She's the one, she's the one 
I say it proud 

Ring a bell, Ring a bell 
For the whole crowd 
Ring a bell, Ring a bell 

I'm telling the world 
That I've found a girl 

The one I can live for 
The one who deserves 
To give all my heart 
A reason to fly 
The one I can live for 
A reason for life 

Oe oh oe oh 
Yeah yeah 
Oe oh oe oh 
Yeah yeah 
Oe oh oe oh 
Yeah yeah 
Oe oh oe oh 

I'm telling the world 
That I've found a girl 
The one I can live for 
The one who deserves 
To give all my heart 
A reason to fly 
The one I can live for 
A reason for life 

Oe oh oe oh 
Yeah yeah 
Oe oh oe oh 
Yeah yeah 
Oe oh oe oh 
Yeah yeah 
Oe oh oe oh 
Yeah yeah

Listen here