The Longest Moment of Clarity

by: Adam Robinson


I already apologized and I know you forgive me, but there's something I failed to make clear. I don't think the sort of behavior I exhibited on the phone last night is "okay." I have always been fully aware of the status of our relations. I went into our arrangement with total knowledge and have continued to engage in it with that same knowledge.

In denial of this, I accused you of being in denial. I said you disappointed me because I was disappointed in myself. The love I was talking about on the phone is not love. It was an eruption of internal desperation. It had nothing to do with you. In my resolve to restructure my identity, a primary goal was to quell exactly that sort of behavior, to gain some self-control and emotional discernment. This only shows me that I have much father to go in my progress toward change. I didn't think. I lied to myself and thereby to you. If I could take it back everything I said last night, I would and instead, I would say this: 

I love you as a friend, first and only, and hope only for your happiness. My behavior was surely not consistent with this priority.

I would also have ended our "friends with benefits" in calm, rational manner (as I tried to do last week. My back-peddling was only a further show of weakness and lack of self-control.) It's nothing personal. I enjoyed what we had for what it was, and have always known what it was, despite how I sounded last night. One of my new goals in self-restructuring includes the fact that I will never be anyone's friend with benefits again. 

I know you never felt romantically toward me and I know why. You want someone with enough clarity of mind not to engage in unnecessarily hurtful and irrational behavior. Totally understandable. My own feelings of romance were predicated on a set of feelings I imagined you to have, though I knew, consciously, you never possessed them. I agree with you that we are too different, and that there has never, from day one, been any sort of future for you and I. I have always known this, and to tell you otherwise was to let my selfish desire do the talking. It has nothing to do with anything you did, and were you not around, I would have been unleashing it on someone else or myself. 

I've also come to agree with you, that there is no such thing as unrequited love. It's one-sided. So it's not love.


the love letter collection

First Aid: Music

Maybe I truly am an emotional person. When I feel down, (oh com'on there are really those times that we feel really emotional) there is no other best remedy than listening to good ole' Music. So, I just view my list of heartbreak songs. Funny but it lightens the mood. It allows me to refresh from the ache. Oh well that is what first aid treatment should do. I am trying to fill in 100 achy breaky songs starting with:

1. Without You  by Karylle  click    
2. It's Over Now by Kayla  click
3. When The Last Tear Drops Fall by Blaque click
4. Tonight I wanna cry by Keith Urban click
5. You can't break a broken heart by Kate Voegle click
6. Take My Heart Back by Jennifer Love Hewitt click
7. Have You Ever by Brandy click
8. From the Bottom of my broken heart by Britney Spears click
9. Someone's Always Saying Goodbye by Toni Gonzaga click
10. I Don't Want You to Go by Kyla click
11. Only a Woman's Heart by Isabelle Boulay click
12. I Miss You by Beverly Craven click
13. I've Cried Enough by Lara Fabian click
14. I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You by Richard Marx click
15. Eyes on Me by Faye Wong click
16. My Skin by Natalie Merchant click
17. I Miss You by Simple Plan click
18. I Don't Wanna Miss A thing by Aerosmith click
19. Everything I do (I do it for you) by Bryan Adams click
20. My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion click
21. Everytime we Touch by Cascada click
22. Art of Letting Go by Mikaela click
23. How do You heal a broken heart by Chris Walker click
24. Even Now by Nina click
25. Di Lang Ikaw by Juris Fernandez click
26. One Last Cry by Brian Mcknight click
27. Don't Say Goodbye by Rachelle Ann Go click
28. Please Don't Ask Me by John Farnham click
29. Calling Your Name Again by Richard Carpenter click
30. The Past by Ray Parker Jr. click
31. Half Crazy by Freestyle click
32. He's Out of my Life by Nina click
33. Can't Find the Words to Say Goodbye by David Gates click
34. Hard Habit to Break by Chicago click
35. Hiding Inside Myself by Kenny Rankin click
36. Too Much Love Will Kill You by Queen click
37. Just Once by James Ingram click
38. If ever you're in my arms again by Peabo Bryson click
39. Love Will Lead You Back by Mariah Carey click
40. I Miss you Like Crazy by Natalie Cole click
41. Why Can't It Be by 3rd Avenue click
42. Parting Time by Rockstar click
43. When I'm Gone by Albert Hammond click
44. It's Over Now by Joey Albert click
45. I'm Sorry by Jaime Rivera click
46. Million Miles Away by Nikki Gil click
47. I'm Missing You by Bea Alonzo click
48. Don't Say Goodbye by Rachelle Ann Go click
49. I Love You Goodbye by Celine Dion click
50. What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts click
51. What if by Kate Winslet click
52. I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat click
53. I'm Movin On by Rascall Flats click
54. Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flats click
55. To Love Again by Dingdong Avanzado click
56. I wouldn't be here if i didn't love you by Belinda Carlisle click
57. Di Na Ako Aasa Pa by Introvoys click
58. Kung ako na lang sana by Sharon Cuneta click
59. Kailangan Kita by Gary Valenciano click
60. Ipagpatawad Mo by Janno Gibbs click
61. Bakit Nga Ba Mahal Kita by Roselle Nava click
62. Paminsan Minsan by Richard Reynoso click
63. Umaasa Lang Sa 'yo by Six Part Invention click
64. Till My Heartaches End by Carol Banawa click
65. Nights Are Forever Without you by England Dan click
66. Listen to your heart by D.H.T. click

Here is a link to my playlist

First Aid: Quotes

First aid is done to heal or at least remedy instant pain. These are things or ways we use to alleviate the minor pains, or emergency responses before we under go surgery. We commonly see them as medicine kits so we fail to recognize them in our life's daily battles, where emotional scars, wounds and pains could never undergo surgery, hence, the only medicine we are left with is our emotional first aid kit, which we fondly call coping mechanisms.

Funny how much i observe that on the lowest points of my life, Quotes help me cope. This is one content of  my first aid kit. For it expresses what my heart fails to say. And here are some of those:

“And she will fool everyone with her fake smile and pretend laugh.”

“Dear heart, today I met a boy — prepare to shatter.”

“Don’t tell me you love me if you don’t really mean it, 

because I might do something crazy,like believe it.”

“She completely fell for him, but he didn’t even stumble.”

“I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel.”

“It’s funny how someone can break your heart, 

but you still love them with all the little pieces."

“Sometimes we have to let go, 

just to be sure that there is something out there worth holding on to.”

“Just like Barbie, always smiling, even if she doesn’t want to.”

“Sometimes, when I say ‘Oh, I’m fine.’ 

— I want you to look into my eyes and say ‘Tell the truth.’”

“I guess what scares me is knowing that at any moment 

you could rip my heart out and step on it…

and I would just pick it up and hand it right back to you.”

“No matter what I do, I always forget to forget you.”

“I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it.”

“When you weren’t mine, I couldn’t get you. 

When I finally got you, I couldn’t keep you. 

When I couldn’t keep you, I got over you. 

When I got over you, you wanted me.”

“If it’s a broken part, replace it. 

If it’s a broken arm then brace it. 

If it’s a broken heart, then face it.”

“Sometimes, two people have to fall apart 

to realize how much they need to fall back together.”

“There isn’t a moment of my day 

that isn’t spent wondering where you are, 

what you’re doing, how you’re feeling. 

Even in the quiet of the night, 

when everything is still

 and I am nearly asleep, 

there’s a part of me that is still wondering.”

“If they don’t chase you when you walk away, keep walking.”

“It’s hard to decide when you’re too tired to hold on. 

Yet, you’re too in love to let go.”

“If a girl understands your bulls**t, sticks through your mistakes, 

and smiles even when you’ve done nothing for her 

— it’s obvious she’s a keeper. 

But it’s also obvious you don’t deserve her.”

“Your first mistake was leaving me. 

Your second mistake was giving me the chance 

to realize I could live without you.”

 “I miss you when something good happens, because your the one I want to share it with. I miss you when something is troubling me, because your the one that understands me so well. I miss you when I laugh and cry, because I know that you are the one that makes my laughter grow and my tears disappear. I miss you all the time, but I miss you the most when I lay awake at night, and think of all the wonderful times that we spent with each other for those were some of the best and most memorable times of my life.”

quotelicious.com