by: Adam Robinson
I already apologized and I know you forgive me, but
there's something I failed to make clear. I don't think the sort of
behavior I exhibited on the phone last night is "okay." I have always
been fully aware of the status of our relations. I went into our
arrangement with total knowledge and have continued to engage in it with
that same knowledge.
In denial of this, I accused you of being in denial. I
said you disappointed me because I was disappointed in myself. The love
I was talking about on the phone is not love. It was an eruption of
internal desperation. It had nothing to do with you. In my resolve to
restructure my identity, a primary goal was to quell exactly that sort
of behavior, to gain some self-control and emotional discernment. This
only shows me that I have much father to go in my progress toward
change. I didn't think. I lied to myself and thereby to you. If I could
take it back everything I said last night, I would and instead, I would
say this:
I love you as a friend, first and only, and hope only
for your happiness. My behavior was surely not consistent with this
priority.
I would also have ended our "friends with benefits"
in calm, rational manner (as I tried to do last week. My back-peddling
was only a further show of weakness and lack of self-control.) It's
nothing personal. I enjoyed what we had for what it was, and have always
known what it was, despite how I sounded last night. One of my new
goals in self-restructuring includes the fact that I will never be
anyone's friend with benefits again.
I know you never felt romantically toward me and I
know why. You want someone with enough clarity of mind not to engage in
unnecessarily hurtful and irrational behavior. Totally understandable.
My own feelings of romance were predicated on a set of feelings I
imagined you to have, though I knew, consciously, you never possessed
them. I agree with you that we are too different, and that there has
never, from day one, been any sort of future for you and I. I have
always known this, and to tell you otherwise was to let my selfish
desire do the talking. It has nothing to do with anything you did, and
were you not around, I would have been unleashing it on someone else or
myself.
I've also come to agree with you, that there is no such thing as unrequited love. It's one-sided. So it's not love.
the
love letter collection
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The Longest Moment of Clarity
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