Friendship or Love?

After deleting and burning all the memories of the person that I used to love, I have come to the biggest realizations of my entire life… So I am entitling this…
 
Friendship or love: Which would you prefer?
 
 
Five months ago, I left a letter to a friend, telling him that I like him. After that, the last five months of my life seem to be unreal. The friend that I am talking about is not just any kind of friend. He is the closest that I got, he is the person whom I usually depended on some things, the kind of person I could talk to about anything. Even before I have given that letter I have been battling over and over whether to let him know that I love him. I thought, I have to risk, because I do not want to have what ifs in my life. And I said, once I will give him this letter no regrets on all the consequences that will happen. Hence, I gave the letter.
 
I have always known even from the start that he does not feel the same way that I did knowing he has a girlfriend of say more than four years now? But I still risked. Because I had hoped that maybe just maybe, he might actually feel the same way that I did.
 
When the confrontation happened about my feelings for him, yes, I said to my self there is no reason I am regretting any of these. He told me he also loves me and it’s just that ‘we will not meet in the end’. Up to now, I still don’t know if the ‘I love you’ part is true or just a lie. I do not know the reasons why he said it and I don’t want to know. I told him not worry about me because I know I would be able to move on past the feelings that I have. For the last 2 months or so, that is what I have been just doing. Being a million miles away from him now, had given me the opportunity to really forget that love. But inspite of that distance, our communication continued. Times would come that I feel I really missed him so much. I never fail to tell him I love him. In fact, I have left no room for pride in allowing him to know how much I love him. And because of that, I loose my friend.
 
I did not lose him in a way that he stopped communicating with me. It is more of I loose the person whom I have come to know as my friend. The biggest realization that I actually just had is that: I have already started moving on from the love. The times that I miss him, does not necessarily mean I love him still. I could not stop missing him, now I know why. I have lost my friend. That is whom I missed so much and I could not find him anymore in the person that I claimed to love. That was because I changed and that change forced me to loose one great person in my life.
 
Now, I actually do not know what I am going to do. Just thinking about it makes me miss my friend so much. I choose to stop communicating with him inspite of his constant messages because I am so ashamed of everything that has happened. Of everything that I did. Of all the proclamations of love I said. Yes, I have the biggest regret in my entire life.
 
If given a chance to undo everything, I would take the letter back. I would never give it to him. Because losing a great friend is much worse than an unrequited love.
 
If he comes to get a hold of this blog, I just want him to know that:
 
My friend, I am sorry for everything that has happened and everything that I did. After reading everything, every single letter I wrote, it means I have said goodbye to the love that I felt for you. Yes it may not be easy and it is the most painful thing to do but the greater pain is losing you, the friend that I used to talk to so much about anything, from simple topics to worse. Now, I do not have the courage to face you anymore. Maybe I can only start communicating with you once you tell me:
 
“Gang, this is me your old friend I hope you still remember me.”