Losing Heart

October 18, 2010

Luke 18:1-8
Then he told them a parable about the necessity for them to pray always without becoming weary. He said, "There was a judge in a certain town who neither feared God nor respect any human being. And a widow in that town used to come to him and say, 'Render a just decision for me against my adversary.' For a long time the judge was unwilling, but eventually he thought,'While it is true that I neither fear God nor respect any human being, because this widow keeps bothering me I shall deliver a just decicion for her lest she finally come and strike me." The Lord said,"Pay attentionto what the dishonest judge says. Will not God then secure the rights of his chosen ones who call out to him day and night? Will he be slow to answer them? I tell you, he will see to it that justice is done for them speedily. But when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on Earth?"

Losing heart

Do we believe in the power of prayer?

Why do we pray? Such a question that one Aetheist professor once asked in our class. I got so mad at him because of such stupidity. I said to myself, how could one person dare to ask this? Does he not pray? Have he never asked for anything? Have he never been so blessed enough to thank God on it? Thinking about it now, and everything that have happened already, I again come across the question why do I pray?

Yes, I believe in the power of prayer. Or do I really? How come it had been so long already that I have prayed an effective prayer? Where, I really got down on what the Lord is trying to tell me. On what he means on things that have happened in my life or is happening in my life. Times where he tells me things that only He and I knows. What changed? What happened along the way, from then and now?

The problems that have strucked my life for the past years have led me to losing hope hence losing heart. It seems like there had been no end to all these problems. It kept persisting like cancer. Slowly, eating me, taking away my life. You know its there and you could not do anything to make it go away. I have lost the hope that its going to heal. I have lost the hope that "Everything will be alright". I have lost all the hope, and so I stopped praying.

What more is there for me to ask?

I stop at that question. For until now I am still in search of the answer. I could not ask for healing of the ailment because its cancer, and its never going to heal. Only miracles make it happen. Lately, I stopped seeing those miracles, not because my eyes could not see them but because I choose to ignore them, believing that miracle is never going to happen in my life.

I stopped praying because, nothing is changing. The more I pray, the more it hurts. It hurts because I keep hoping. Hoping for something brighter. Then suddenly my hopes get crashed, pain, unending pain.

So I stopped. No hope, no prayer, no pain.Stagnant.
Such disillusionment. I wonder when will I come out from all these?